Who I Have Been I Am Not Now
by cesmith
Summary: Even while dying, Hakkai is not permitted a moment of peace. Sequel to First Kiss. Non Shounen ai.


Series: Saiyuki

Title: Who I Have Been; I Am Not Now

Author: cesmith

Beta: narrizan

Rating: K+

Disclaimer: Saiyuki and all of its characters were created by Kazuya Minekura. They belong to her and were used without prior permission. No profit is made through this story.

Summery: Even while dying, Hakkai is not permitted a moment of peace.

A/N 1: This story was written for the 10th challenge on the ffnetauthors dot proboards29 dot com message board. Take a character of your choice and have him, her or it talk to themselves. "Themselves" is meant literally, as you have to use the same character at three (maximum 5) different age stages.

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Who I Have Been; I Am Not Now

"Hakkai," a soft masculine voice whispered in the floating darkness of Hakkai's mind.

"Hakkai!" the voice repeated more insistently.

"Not now Gojyo," Hakkai groaned as he tried to roll over, away from the summoning voice. Surprised he was unable to move, Hakkai slowly opened his eyes. The light surrounding him was bright, blindingly so. It should have hurt his eyes, burnt them in its intensity, but it didn't. Amazingly it didn't hurt at all. Hakkai blinked in an attempt to see through the glare, but he could see nothing but the brightness. Then slowly the light started to diminish, and when Hakkai could at last see, he wished he couldn't. All around him lay smoldering ruins with dead everywhere.

In front of him, on the ruined ground lay a crumpled body clad in a tattered green Chinese shirt and khaki jeans. A small glow of chi was centered in the body's chest, its light dimming rapidly.

For a second another body flashed through Hakkai's mind, superimposed over the one before him. Torn and bleeding, the red hair still stood out in his memory. Then mercifully the scene faded and the present events came slamming back to him.

Hakkai remembered how he and Sanzo had finally tracked Nii down. It had taken the two of them a year to do this, but their hatred and desire for revenge had propelled them onward when all else had no longer mattered. There was no Goku to soften their hearts, no Gojyo to remind them of their humanity.

To the side of Hakkai, two men stood. A hand reached down, offering him help to stand.

"I'm dead?" Hakkai asked matter-of-factly when he realized what he was seeing.

"Well, not yet," one of the men said with a smile, "but soon. Your chi is fading."

Hakkai could only stare in amazement at one of the people standing in front of him. It was like looking into a mirror, though there were subtle differences to be sure. The dark hair was longer than Hakkai's and there was no bandana. In place of Hakkai's monocle was a pair of real glasses. No earcuffs adorned the ear, but the face was the same. The brilliant green of the other's eyes stared directly into Hakkai's.

"Why are you here?" Hakkai asked Gonou, ignoring the man who had spoken for the moment.

"You're dying and I'm here to claim the life that is rightfully mine. I was here first. It's my life and I want it back. It's not like I'm really dead," Gonou stressed, "even though you've tried so hard to convince yourself and others that I was and you were a changed man. Or should I say a changed demon? That really is funny you know. A changed man…a man changed."

"Shut up," Hakkai ordered, "I don't want to hear this."

"When you were alive it was possible for you to shut me up inside of you, but not anymore. I want to be free. You can't deny my existence anymore."

"I can and I do," Hakkai said. "I am no longer you. Sometimes, especially after a battle, I think I am so much worse than you, than the human that gave birth to Cho Hakkai. Three years of traveling, three years of killing. My life has been one battle after another, one murder after another, a seemingly endless string of death. I've buried you if only by surpassing the atrocities you once committed. The sins of Cho Hakkai far outweigh the sins of Cho Gonou."

Before Gonou could say another word, Hakkai dismissed him by finally addressing the other man, "and you sir, who are you?"

Again, Hakkai felt he was looking into a mirror. The man's hair was longer than Hakkai's own, closer to Gonou's length, but dirty, something neither Hakkai nor Gonou would have ever allowed. He was dressed in a stained white lab coat. Behind a pair of glasses much like Gonou's, an intense intelligence shown in his eyes and he carried himself with an air of confidence. He was in command, and he knew it.

"I am Tenpou Gensui," the man answered.

"Ah," Hakkai said. "I have heard that name before. It seems like a lifetime ago now. It is the name Homura and his friends called me."

"Yes," Tenpou replied. "You are my reincarnation."

To that statement Hakkai merely raised his eyebrow.

"Well, to be more precise, Gonou is my reincarnation, but I feel that we two are much more alike. We each conceal much of ourselves from others and only trust those who have earned our respect and trust through their actions. Even with our trust they still do not know, nor could they even hope to understand, all we are capable of doing. However, our time together is short and I have come bearing messages for you from Goku and Gojyo. Goku wishes you to know that he is happy where he is, and that he has gained his memories of his first time in heaven. It was hard for him at first to realize what he had done so many years ago, and the events his young life set in motion, but that is a story I will let him share with you when you finally come to join us. Just know that he is trying to awaken a childhood friend and that he requests you continue to take care of Sanzo for him. As for Gojyo, he misses you, but I quote, "Don't do anything stupid and take your time joining Goku and me."

Glancing over at Hakkai's body, Tenpou paused in his narration of the current events in Heaven. "Your chi is fading even more. I wish we had more time to chat but you must make your choice now. Your death is still up to you. If you wish to live, you can. If you wish to die, you will."

Hakkai looked over at his body, unsure of his decision. Hakuryuu had landed next to him, kyuuing frantically as he gently nudged Hakkai's cheek with his small, soft head. Sanzo was quickly bandaging Hakkai's injuries, trying to stop the bleeding, all the time swearing at Hakkai for being a reckless idiot and that Hakkai better not die or he would shoot Hakkai himself.

The glow of chi in Hakkai's chest flared a bit as he made his decision.

"I think I will choose to live," Hakkai said as he glanced over at Sanzo who was still trying to stop the bleeding of Hakkai's wounds. A small smile started to form on Hakkai's lips. "Many long years ago a very wise and sometimes foolish man told me that I could escape through death, but my death would change nothing. Only through living would some things change. It will be hard, but I have much to atone for before I want to see Gojyo and Goku again."

"A fine and honorable choice, Cho Hakkai, and one that is worthy of my reincarnation. I will tell Gojyo and Goku of your decision, though they had already told me you would choose to live. Take care of Konzen for Goku and I and we will all meet again, but not before many more years have passed."

"Thank you," Hakkai said. "Please tell them how much I miss them and that I will look forward to reuniting with them again in the future. And Gonou," Hakkai said, finally including the other man once again. "I hope someday to find an inner peace for both of us, to atone for both of our sins. That will be my tribute to Kanan."

Gonou merely nodded to Hakkai. "I think we have much to discuss…someday. I have no real choice today but to let you win, but remember this, I will always be here; underneath the person you call Cho Hakkai, waiting for my turn again." With that, Gonou turned away and he and Tenpou disappeared into the suddenly increasing glare.

Alone once more, Hakkai had a moment to second guess his choice. Then he closed his eyes and thought, 'I wish to live, I want to live.' A wave of intense pain washed over him. Every part of his body ached.

Slowly he opened his eyes. The brightness was gone, the light surrounding him was normal.

"Welcome back Hakkai," Sanzo greeted him. "I see I'm still stuck with you."

"Hello to you too Sanzo," Hakkai managed to say before he gasped from the pain.

"I think I'd better get you to a Doctor. That is, if Hakuryuu will let me drive him."

"I believe a Doctor might be a good idea," Hakkai agreed as Sanzo helped him stand. "Then I'd really like to head home. We've been away much too long."

The End

A/N 2: I guess I have finally answered who besides Hakkai survived at the end of "First Kiss". Thanks go to Diva Urd, Yokitok (here's the sequel you asked for) and Bmisty157 for being curious about it and to Zelgadiss55 and therhoda for helping me figure out which one was the most logical survivor. Believe me, we went back and forth on it and there really was no clear winner. Thanks go to narrizan for the title. She gave me three great choices and this one struck me as the most appropriate. If you have read any of my other one-shots, the opening dialog will be familiar. It seemed appropriate for a confused Hakkai to mistake Tenpou's calling to him with a much happier and simpler time in his life, and "What If?" fit the bill for me. I hope you enjoyed the story.

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